ya finally i did get time to write all thanks to Y's internet and laptop.... well here i go again i am attracted to someone man i don change. its so funny seriously... its been only a few weeks since i know him... ha ha ha lets see if this happens.

hmmmm i am blogging after such a long time. funny this blog is supposed to be entirely me and i 'visit' myself only when i absolutely need to talk to someone. funny how the daily running of the tyres actually make u forget the beauty of driving... i should probably see myself everyday learn something from that day... sometimes i wonder if i am actually going back to that loner me which i had promised i would not. the solace being alone gives me nothing else can. or the happiness of having someone in ur life... i wish i could switch off for sometime and let things just flow by me. just sit like that gazing at something or sit silently engulfed in his body. just do things cos i feel like it and not cos those things would lead me to something else. nothing without strings... without feeling guilty at all that i am not doing something in case i might not give him that small chance to know me better...
sometimes my silent self beckons me its a call to myself my space and my thoughts.... i hope i can answer it without strings attached.....

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhh

hmmmm i am actually getting a taste of different people and ya backward thoughts.... its so irritating when pple assume that thier way of thinking is so right and have to condemn the others the way they r and thier expression... i mean wat exactly is accpted and wat is not??????????/ agreed u r brought up in a different way and there r bound to b discrepencies but come on not at the age of 21 and more u go out bitching abt the others.... that too without knowing who the person actually is. if its completely accepted to ask wat ur academic performance is the first time u meet then i think its completely ok for me to ask their social practices too watever man.... am too pissed today wish the classes would start and i would become busy... and ya i should talk the 'accepted' talk so that my PR doesnt get a bad makeover and i 'act' professional........ whew man wat a waste of effort... i seriously feel lousy when i even think of it. even if u do something like that at the end of it u come back to urself and complete the circle. so i would rather be me. imagine pple who have actually get used to it u know... fuck man it scares me like hell. yes they think they r being streetsmart and following the ways of the world but i don know i am not cut out for this at all.... not a bit. i tjink everybody should learn the word perception first then anything else most importantly live the damn word

today

Today is my last day in Chennai.... as in am leaving to delhi tomo Indigo 8 50 flight to be precise... well well well finally my break has come. hmmm today... great day actually - a day of all firsts and lasts. my scooty will be gone... my last ride back home from khader nawaz khan road after a nice long chat with G. my last long look at the endless beaches of chennai... i mean i owe it a lot. it was my bottomless bucket of tears, frustration, anger,disappointment etc etc gave away my beloved membership card of the south indian film chamber.... those days of watching absolutely good movies for unbelievable prices are over.... delhi saps your money away like nobody's business... actually it feeds somebody's business... lol

my firsts of a loooong stay in the north - stayed in chennai for 21 yrs... everything is gonna be new - the first of a new life new study new everything.... will begin my childlike self questioning observing absorbing everything.... (hmmm i sound like a science text book)
watever i am happy excited waiting for the new day.... ya ya am listening to bryan adam's new day song....

trala la la i sing the wrong tune.....

sometimes i really don know wat to write. words simply play their game in my mind refusing to flow into my fingers. i stare at the monitor clueless. dumbfounded at my loss of words. regret, remorse, anger and self hate. these are exactly my feelings. the last one takes a higher stand - always. i don see any light in my tunnel. both scylla and charbodiys seem nothing in front this monstrous, colossal structure of my lost state. a person in my life is wat i am searching for. i don seem to get it at all. i long for that person's touch, talk and trust. to be completely in love. to just break away from that little box that i have drawn for myself. freee... more than that carefree... sometimes i wish i could erase a little bit of my life and rewrite that part again. hmmm can never happen. it is this sense of helplessness that pisses me off. ya ya i do have this thing of trying to be a superwoman. trying to be in control of everything no matter wat. ya during that situation i am able to. but somewhere else it just erupts. erupts in such a way that the lava sears and singes my being reducing it to unrecognizable rubble. yea i am not as strong as i thought i was. which irritates me again. i have to be strong no matter wat. 'superwoman me superwoman me' ha ha ha ha ha . but u see this superwoman me also needs love. also feels like crying. also craves to be held close by someone. loneliness scares me as hell. thats why i try to learn and conquer it. by denying myself all those things for which u seek another human's help. so that i can learn to do without. so that i can learn never to ask. and yes defy the very definition of a human. oh yes, can i blame somebody. thank you. the extent to which i try and be this way, the same extent to which i hope to be proved wrong. most of the time i feel like just running away. peace comes in piecemeal.

Unhuman?

Home... how would one exactly define it?????? A place where one would extremely comfortable, relaxed, a place where you can unwind and put to rest the day's fast-paced work.... first in this list comes comfort... ummmm maybe a place to be comforted? i just dont feel that way at all. when i get back from my jive class, i almost regret having to go home... when i go to work i almost wish i could get home... when i sit in a movie, i wish i could see another one immediately... when they turn into written words, i wish they would never end.... when i travel somewhere i find solace in those godforsaken places.... maybe God forsaked those places as he did not feel his constant need there as he does in the cities ; ) thinking back, i do feel comfortable when i write or when i am on orkut, when i am out of a concrete construction that is called my house... i find comfort chatting endlessly online, or updating my blog with all my woebegone stories full of self-pity.... i find solace in being alone.. in darkness with the light from my computer trying to illuminate my thoughts... in being the profanity spewing tomboy that i am, but the paradox involved is that i am trying to, mind you trying to be a lady... ahem... Sometimes i do try to muse endlessly about the things that so called plague me... find out why i feel so, and then try and get over them... a wierd sense of self control... actually a hurt proof jacket for my future feelings and emotions... sometimes in thinking about all those things that could -have-happend-to me-if-only-i did-or-i-didnt.... types, very strange...as it fills me with evanescent happiness bordering on euphoria, but soon as things which go up come down, it totally changes into blackened unhappiness... oh and there i go again, why do people understand unhappiness as a negative term? cant they be happy being unhappy? ha ha ha ha there can be no answers to these silly questions.... when i do feel like wanting to talk to soemone about it so that they can understand me, then one more thought pops up... why should i feel understood by someone? well thats so much for going off track... my comfort zone seems to be with an online non-human application where the only thing real is me and the other person typing... where no personal touch and human contact is involved... or when i update my blog into a black space which kindles my thoughts.... why am i going so individual? so involved in an unhuman world? is this a calling into the tech-age? something which i thought i would never adjust to? where i thought comfort involved in being with people.... am i becoming unhuman - a person who has all the human emotions intact but wishes or feels comfortable in being alone with her affair with the computer and its light complete with the black space of her blog involved??????

the bitch

If deception had a euphemism, it would be hope.
Lightning which turns into the thunder of dreams crashing,
Ceaseless in its unmerciful delight of taunt,
Hope – the horrendous realization that the hint of silver is nothing
But the glint of sharp steel of a trap.

round and round the merry go round....

wat if u climb the apogee of your failure and u r actually at the perigee of watever u garnered as dreams? and to top it all u actually climbed it knowing fully well that this is the significance it is gonna have? ya its like walking through a tunnel knowing fully well that there is an express way at the other end....... but this seemed like the only practical solution in hand..... u made it sound exciting by saying it that way.... everytime people asked u abt ur current status u made it sound exciting so that u would never grumble or crib abt ur job. its all in the tone..... whether u speak to another person or to urself.... u build a wonderful career with wat u r doing currently as the 'first stepping stone to success'........ sadly knowing every waking moment that this is nothing but a remainder which spelt a death knell to ur dreams. yes, this is a new oppurtunity u must capitalize on it, try not to crib be the embodiment of the blood thats flowing in u (B+)..... yes yes yes. isnt taking up an oppurtunity that comes along a compromise when wat u wanted at that point of time is an illusion? its like a farmer accepting water and returning home when all he wanted was an oasis to start a civilization............ it is said that the universe isnt illogical and that u do wat exactly u wanted... all the time. if that were the case then why do disappointments ever exist? because u couldnt realise that this was wat u wanted? well then isnt want decided by the exercise of choice? and if u chose to want something, u work for it and at the end of it u don get it then......?????????????? wat does it account to? that u didnt deserve it? or u deserved another chance? or that it was Providence's way of saying that u were meant for something else? (the last 2 r in my opinion euphemisms for the 1st one) sometimes it is said that u need failures to appreciate success? then why at all have failures? why at all success be appreciated? why at all feel unhappiness and happiness..... when everything at the end of it is all but a perception........ maybe u know pandora opened the box with HOPE inside hoping against itself that it be opened and she come out to well spread a perception hope that things will be better. in other words live in an illusion based future. nothing solid nothing firm, just a floating passing cloud..... making us live in a vicious circle... of hoping and hoping and hoping ha ha ha ha ha i must say wat a bitch eh HOPE must be..... a big hypocratic bitch one that too.....

SA

shopped for clothes in UNITED COLOURS OF BENNETON