Unhuman?

Home... how would one exactly define it?????? A place where one would extremely comfortable, relaxed, a place where you can unwind and put to rest the day's fast-paced work.... first in this list comes comfort... ummmm maybe a place to be comforted? i just dont feel that way at all. when i get back from my jive class, i almost regret having to go home... when i go to work i almost wish i could get home... when i sit in a movie, i wish i could see another one immediately... when they turn into written words, i wish they would never end.... when i travel somewhere i find solace in those godforsaken places.... maybe God forsaked those places as he did not feel his constant need there as he does in the cities ; ) thinking back, i do feel comfortable when i write or when i am on orkut, when i am out of a concrete construction that is called my house... i find comfort chatting endlessly online, or updating my blog with all my woebegone stories full of self-pity.... i find solace in being alone.. in darkness with the light from my computer trying to illuminate my thoughts... in being the profanity spewing tomboy that i am, but the paradox involved is that i am trying to, mind you trying to be a lady... ahem... Sometimes i do try to muse endlessly about the things that so called plague me... find out why i feel so, and then try and get over them... a wierd sense of self control... actually a hurt proof jacket for my future feelings and emotions... sometimes in thinking about all those things that could -have-happend-to me-if-only-i did-or-i-didnt.... types, very strange...as it fills me with evanescent happiness bordering on euphoria, but soon as things which go up come down, it totally changes into blackened unhappiness... oh and there i go again, why do people understand unhappiness as a negative term? cant they be happy being unhappy? ha ha ha ha there can be no answers to these silly questions.... when i do feel like wanting to talk to soemone about it so that they can understand me, then one more thought pops up... why should i feel understood by someone? well thats so much for going off track... my comfort zone seems to be with an online non-human application where the only thing real is me and the other person typing... where no personal touch and human contact is involved... or when i update my blog into a black space which kindles my thoughts.... why am i going so individual? so involved in an unhuman world? is this a calling into the tech-age? something which i thought i would never adjust to? where i thought comfort involved in being with people.... am i becoming unhuman - a person who has all the human emotions intact but wishes or feels comfortable in being alone with her affair with the computer and its light complete with the black space of her blog involved??????