sometimes i really don know wat to write. words simply play their game in my mind refusing to flow into my fingers. i stare at the monitor clueless. dumbfounded at my loss of words. regret, remorse, anger and self hate. these are exactly my feelings. the last one takes a higher stand - always. i don see any light in my tunnel. both scylla and charbodiys seem nothing in front this monstrous, colossal structure of my lost state. a person in my life is wat i am searching for. i don seem to get it at all. i long for that person's touch, talk and trust. to be completely in love. to just break away from that little box that i have drawn for myself. freee... more than that carefree... sometimes i wish i could erase a little bit of my life and rewrite that part again. hmmm can never happen. it is this sense of helplessness that pisses me off. ya ya i do have this thing of trying to be a superwoman. trying to be in control of everything no matter wat. ya during that situation i am able to. but somewhere else it just erupts. erupts in such a way that the lava sears and singes my being reducing it to unrecognizable rubble. yea i am not as strong as i thought i was. which irritates me again. i have to be strong no matter wat. 'superwoman me superwoman me' ha ha ha ha ha . but u see this superwoman me also needs love. also feels like crying. also craves to be held close by someone. loneliness scares me as hell. thats why i try to learn and conquer it. by denying myself all those things for which u seek another human's help. so that i can learn to do without. so that i can learn never to ask. and yes defy the very definition of a human. oh yes, can i blame somebody. thank you. the extent to which i try and be this way, the same extent to which i hope to be proved wrong. most of the time i feel like just running away. peace comes in piecemeal.
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