hmmm..... a conversation.....

me: r u there ? who r u talking to?

him: just a sec

me: helloooo......

him: ya temme

me: wats wrong with u? why the hell cant u talk without ur attention wavering?

him: well the things here seem to be more interesting....

song for me

these are the lyrics of a lovely song my friend sent me....




Slow down, you crazy child
you're so ambitious for a juvenile
But then if you're so smart, tell me
Why are you still so afraid?
Where's the fire, what's the hurry about?
You'd better cool it off before you burn it out
You've got so much to do and
Only so many hours in a day
But you know that when the truth is told..
That you can get what you want or you get old
You're gonna kick off before you even
Get halfway through
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
Slow down, you're doing fine
You can't be everything you want to be
Before your time
Although it's so romantic on the borderline tonight
Tonight,...
Too bad but it's the life you lead you're so ahead of yourself that you forgot what you need
Though you can see when you're wrong, you know
You can't always see when you're right. you're right
You've got your passion, you've got your pride but don't you know that only fools are satisfied?
Dream on, but don't imagine they'll all come true
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?
Slow down, you crazy child and take the phone off the hook and disappear for awhile
it's all right, you can afford to lose a day or two
When will you realize,..Vienna waits for you?
And you know that when the truth is told
that you can get what you want or you can just get old
You're gonna kick off before you even get half through
Why don't you realize,. Vienna waits for you
When will you realize, Vienna waits for you?

why wont i realize vienna waits for me???

when obvious things become apparent, its when u sense the rut u are getting yourself into, which just seats u there comfortably, never giving u the chance to make the effort to get up and make a difference to urself. ceritus paribus, i have to move on. i simply have to. that seems the clear way in and a way out for me. i guess when things are so clear u simply don wanna budge and when things don seem so clear we seek tarot cards, lines on your hands, gaseous balls of fire to clear it up ( sigh! strange). my obsession with perception pushes me to seek the psyche behind wat exactly i feel for him. dissecting it on all possible lines, it just plain comes back to it being a perception - an impalpable emotion. wanna fight hard with it, but hell it just is. just the kind of love that meera had for krishna - so intangible. an absolutely mystical feeling of mindless, unconditional, unreturned love..... or like the flawless love story of radha and krishna... compared to all the 16 love stories that krishna could have had, this is the one that stays in the mind of people often said to be as the perfect pair... just that it never existed. it wouldn be so funny if it weren't so sad. with me searching for something that i know i am not going to get... no hopes involved still i go on.... for wat i dont know ... just like lady macbeth washing off the blood that was not there from her hands, a little difference of course she was sleepwalking and am not. a spate of anger washes over me at my blatant incompetence to take rein over my own feelings and at my lovelorn status. get out of the rut my mind screams and my heart refuses ( well G says that we think emotions are felt in the brain and therefore there is no thinking with the heart and thinkinig with the head its all one and the same) another paradox to confuse me as hell... whenever i do make the attempt to go out and meet new men , at the end of it i feel unhappy. 'its not him' my heart says. wrapping myself in a blanket of silence i feel resolutely solitary. i feel a big him sized hole in me - to be filled or not to be filled that's the question. even if someone else would come along would he fit his sized hole??? would i be able to accept his big sizedness???? or would i scorn at his small sizedness????? well i guess macbeth was luckier - he had his three witches.

the tan???

Miss how come you don’t get a tan?
Do gradients of blue, violet, white and grey fill your canvas?

Serene or ice-like?
Would you respond to a tender touch or scorn it with numbness?

Sun never suns you up does it?
Nor does the spring I suppose

Lay you must an adamant stoic
Like tears seem mere work of glands

Sunscreen could have been an apt cover for you
Preventing the

Warmth, laughter and heat
The touch, tenderness and pain

But warm earth over dead wood seems to have taken hold
With prayers and heart aches

In a pallor of grief and stillness
Shrouded in white

Lie you must under a cross and a bunch of flowers
Like how one day everybody should

Oh miss, how come you never get a tan?

pseudo

sometimes when you wish to look back and sigh wistfully at all your memories and then you realize that the slate was actually clean all these years. no erased lines, no lines written in bold to emphasize something that you thought was something great achieved from your end. suddenly you wished you acted like the other kids instead of having buried yourself in your own activities.... or in your own self.. a reason to share, crib laugh over your foolishness instead of cursing at them.... now you try to do all of those things you never did well its 'not too late' but ya its definitely too fake. a sense of a pseudo is wat you feel yourself to be. you share all those things you wanted only to feel that the reciever did a huge favour by listening to you. your pauses in the conversation was meant for the other person to ask you about things going on in your life... but ya a pause remains a pause, its just that you fill it up being the chatterbox you. when you wanted something from someone you were either too shy to make it voluble or were too scared of being snubbed, you decide to shut your mouth.. for it to remain shut forever and finally when you do make that attempt to say it, you simply get wat you thought would be the result. well a predictor of murphy's laws. hmmmmm..... slowly the ghost of a pseudo starts eating into you. the worst part is you let it eat you knowing fully well wat its doing... a sense of absolute resignation. you do things yes, only with a detached sense. nothing touches you at all. everything becomes a perception. the way you were, wanted to be are, are becoming - present past future present continous past participle everything......... bomsi says it creates a wonderful space to be wat you want to be but thats not wat you wanted... hows the paradox??????? then the pseudo self pirouttes about only to anger the self you percieved yourself to be... never thought that you were a pseudo, but sadly you have become one.... you do something to run away from the failure of the other and finally end up doing wat you are good at- sweets there you go again - a pseudo. when everything of wat you wanted, your perceptions about it cancel each other out you are left with you being nothing.... cant accept that can you?? after years of an entrenched belief of yourself this seems to be an unseemly revelation that hardly calls for a revel. and this particular revelation will answer all your previous questions of how you i mean YOU were actually like that in a situation where you would have been 'yourself', because sweetheart there was never you at all at any time ....... questions like 'where the hell did i go wrong will eat up and the notion that you never made any wrong decisions will want to counter the current situation hmmmmmmmmm answer the question where and who was that YOU??? then you go screaming raving and ranting that no its was not a perception and that it was something you actually wanted and didnt get. a vaccum is created where you haveg to deal with wat were the seemly perceptions and wat were all those you actaully wanted. at one point you start day dreaming all those things you never got, conjure up situations wherein you would get them and in the process feel that pseudo euphoria and sadness of being a pseudo. you simply dont wanna control it even if it were in your control. all those conversations your friends had with their friends, all those candyfloss love stories, those dates, car drives, short trips made, those i give you all the time of my lives... ha! wanted those still want those and ya please how do they beome perceptions??? when you still want them? if wants were perceptions too, then where are you?? want a huge tsunami to delude you now right/??? being a predictor of murphy's laws well it just wont. with no answers to anything your pseudo self remains.. no sorrow no hapiness touching you, you just exist.... just simply exist.

ever swung on a swing????? the exhilarating feel of going higher higher and higher.........and everytime u go higher u come down too accompanied by a sinking feeling in the pit of ur stomach. as u go higher the thrill of the height speaks abt the ephemeral happiness u feel and then it comes with a promise of unhappiness too.... a remainder of all that u have to do and have not done and most importantly dont wanna do.... abt things u hoped for dint get and finally stopped hoping for anything at all. again u go up with all that happiness and excitment and again u come down... and finally it stops. u feel so detached at the end of it all. its like this alternate heating and cooling which at the end of it hardens u or maybe deadens u. a point where u dont actually give imporatnce to anything at all. nothing seems to have any significance. u develop this attitude where u just can push things aside and walk away. where u r so unfair to ur friends in a way that u r detached with them. u may rave and rant that u dont while u actually are. u would want to go on a solitary walk claiming that it makes u feel better and introspect but in reality all it reinforces in u is that u r damn alone.... so damn dead. maybe u take tat walk to make urself feel that way in ur own way keep telling urself proving it to urself that u r dead. paradoxical as it may sound u try to come away from it but u r actually are sinking deep into it. all lines of demarcation seem to become blurred..... u just can be anyone u want an introvert an extrovert and all the degrees in between them..... there goes the definition of YOU. its like painting a circular cardboard in different colours of sectars and then rotating it at a high speed so that it merges into white.... when u upload a pic of urself and admire its individuality when suddenly someone takes the art history brush and plays with it on ur pic and laughs at the blur created....... o how much would it take to remove the word if... how much???

What is the colour of red? This question sprung in my mind as I lay thinking. For that matter, what is the colour of blue, green, yellow, and all other terms which people identify as colour or hues? As I heard my kid sister in her eagerness to please her teacher memorizing, 'The colour of the sky is blue', 'The crow is black', 'The leaves are green' I tried reasoning with her and asked her to interchange all the colours and learn -- (afterall that would be fun ) -- but in vain.I often do wonder why colours are so fascinating. People always seem to be fretting that a few colours look best on them and a few don't? Do colours have such an impact on the human mind? If so, why? What is that which captivates them? Why do mothers point at a rainbow to pacify a crying child?Are the colours of a rainbow so aesthetically appealing? I fail tocomprehend. I guess that must be what people term as colour psychology. Making an attempting to understand I asked my friend to define colour. Incredulously, as though I didn't know such a simple thing, she said that colour is a sensation which reflects our emotions. Feeling superior about her newfound knowledge, she called me a subtle, subdued kind of a person seeing my T-shirt, which she called, as blue. Blue, she added on, is a cool colour, for calm people, who always recede from a group. Red is a vibrant,dynamic colour which is much closer to people and so it is an advancing colour -- she stopped there running out of her knowledge.When colour is a sensation, then each one's perception differs. Each onethinks different, feels different. His/her understanding of colours to suit his/her emotions will obviously differ. When it is that way, how can we group people's emotions to a 'colour' and to top it all, give it a name like 'red', 'blue', ' green' etc. Allright. Accepted that a distant mountain appears blue and that it has a receding effect on us. But, during a hot afternoon, the sky is supposed to appear blue and physically close to us as it radiates maximum heat. We feel the heat more in the afternoon than during sunset, though the colours are supposed to be warm or advancing. Considered that snow makes us feel cold. I haven't heard anyone associate a colour with that feeling and say that white is cold. Here when we don't associate feelings with colours, how on earthcan we link our emotions to colours? So colour is in mind, not in the world.Oblivious to my reasoning my over enthusiastic friend was talking of writing a thesis on the 'cosmic effect of colour on the human mind'. Okay, I am not commenting. On things which are not my cup of chai I don't formulate opinions. I guess I can be excused -- I was born blind.


wat do the blind percieve colours to be??? when we close our eyes we see colours we know them we name them. wat about the blind wat do they see???? i mean not seee... maybe u know u just don need eyes to see a lot of things...

phew! finally i have something that can be called my own.... my space, my domain my perimeter ............... i can fill it with the most inane or the most intelligent stuff or even copy paste the thesauraus (appropriately of course) for some GRE student to gawk... Black in colour indicating space where i can hope to be prolific.... it just sucks u into its blankness creates a sense of nothingness. a place where u can unravel urself sans all those pretentious robes... maybe u just might be so comfortable with strangers rather than ur known ones........ it just wont matter if some Lionoserangoughtangadinf found out that u actually did something sometime back.... or didnt do something........ man nothing matters ur CAT XAT IIFT SNAP NMAT FMS scores were bad... just the swirl of black its shades just remove all those wat u thought of as necessary evils. colours wat exactly and how exactly do they have an effect on u, just that i don have a room of my own else i would have painted it black........ a total sense of calm peace tranquility indifference nothing nothing nothing nothing at alllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll o man feels great to have something to call ur own, ur place ur domain. i really don have to read my draft some 10 times and see if its fine or add that apt word or delete something my new found freedom... whoever said technology can be a bane toooo maybe in here i feel that flying carpets may be for the real or even a flying broomstick with a cackling old witch............... maybe maybe i have found neverland.

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