pseudo

sometimes when you wish to look back and sigh wistfully at all your memories and then you realize that the slate was actually clean all these years. no erased lines, no lines written in bold to emphasize something that you thought was something great achieved from your end. suddenly you wished you acted like the other kids instead of having buried yourself in your own activities.... or in your own self.. a reason to share, crib laugh over your foolishness instead of cursing at them.... now you try to do all of those things you never did well its 'not too late' but ya its definitely too fake. a sense of a pseudo is wat you feel yourself to be. you share all those things you wanted only to feel that the reciever did a huge favour by listening to you. your pauses in the conversation was meant for the other person to ask you about things going on in your life... but ya a pause remains a pause, its just that you fill it up being the chatterbox you. when you wanted something from someone you were either too shy to make it voluble or were too scared of being snubbed, you decide to shut your mouth.. for it to remain shut forever and finally when you do make that attempt to say it, you simply get wat you thought would be the result. well a predictor of murphy's laws. hmmmmm..... slowly the ghost of a pseudo starts eating into you. the worst part is you let it eat you knowing fully well wat its doing... a sense of absolute resignation. you do things yes, only with a detached sense. nothing touches you at all. everything becomes a perception. the way you were, wanted to be are, are becoming - present past future present continous past participle everything......... bomsi says it creates a wonderful space to be wat you want to be but thats not wat you wanted... hows the paradox??????? then the pseudo self pirouttes about only to anger the self you percieved yourself to be... never thought that you were a pseudo, but sadly you have become one.... you do something to run away from the failure of the other and finally end up doing wat you are good at- sweets there you go again - a pseudo. when everything of wat you wanted, your perceptions about it cancel each other out you are left with you being nothing.... cant accept that can you?? after years of an entrenched belief of yourself this seems to be an unseemly revelation that hardly calls for a revel. and this particular revelation will answer all your previous questions of how you i mean YOU were actually like that in a situation where you would have been 'yourself', because sweetheart there was never you at all at any time ....... questions like 'where the hell did i go wrong will eat up and the notion that you never made any wrong decisions will want to counter the current situation hmmmmmmmmm answer the question where and who was that YOU??? then you go screaming raving and ranting that no its was not a perception and that it was something you actually wanted and didnt get. a vaccum is created where you haveg to deal with wat were the seemly perceptions and wat were all those you actaully wanted. at one point you start day dreaming all those things you never got, conjure up situations wherein you would get them and in the process feel that pseudo euphoria and sadness of being a pseudo. you simply dont wanna control it even if it were in your control. all those conversations your friends had with their friends, all those candyfloss love stories, those dates, car drives, short trips made, those i give you all the time of my lives... ha! wanted those still want those and ya please how do they beome perceptions??? when you still want them? if wants were perceptions too, then where are you?? want a huge tsunami to delude you now right/??? being a predictor of murphy's laws well it just wont. with no answers to anything your pseudo self remains.. no sorrow no hapiness touching you, you just exist.... just simply exist.