why wont i realize vienna waits for me???

when obvious things become apparent, its when u sense the rut u are getting yourself into, which just seats u there comfortably, never giving u the chance to make the effort to get up and make a difference to urself. ceritus paribus, i have to move on. i simply have to. that seems the clear way in and a way out for me. i guess when things are so clear u simply don wanna budge and when things don seem so clear we seek tarot cards, lines on your hands, gaseous balls of fire to clear it up ( sigh! strange). my obsession with perception pushes me to seek the psyche behind wat exactly i feel for him. dissecting it on all possible lines, it just plain comes back to it being a perception - an impalpable emotion. wanna fight hard with it, but hell it just is. just the kind of love that meera had for krishna - so intangible. an absolutely mystical feeling of mindless, unconditional, unreturned love..... or like the flawless love story of radha and krishna... compared to all the 16 love stories that krishna could have had, this is the one that stays in the mind of people often said to be as the perfect pair... just that it never existed. it wouldn be so funny if it weren't so sad. with me searching for something that i know i am not going to get... no hopes involved still i go on.... for wat i dont know ... just like lady macbeth washing off the blood that was not there from her hands, a little difference of course she was sleepwalking and am not. a spate of anger washes over me at my blatant incompetence to take rein over my own feelings and at my lovelorn status. get out of the rut my mind screams and my heart refuses ( well G says that we think emotions are felt in the brain and therefore there is no thinking with the heart and thinkinig with the head its all one and the same) another paradox to confuse me as hell... whenever i do make the attempt to go out and meet new men , at the end of it i feel unhappy. 'its not him' my heart says. wrapping myself in a blanket of silence i feel resolutely solitary. i feel a big him sized hole in me - to be filled or not to be filled that's the question. even if someone else would come along would he fit his sized hole??? would i be able to accept his big sizedness???? or would i scorn at his small sizedness????? well i guess macbeth was luckier - he had his three witches.